Don't Talk About The Other Parent, In Front Of The Kids?

By Raven

Immediately I would like to say, that this is a circumstantial situation. I will explain why, further along in my post. For as long as I have understood the reasoning behind not "bashing" the other parent, upon separation and/or divorce, I always thought:

"Okay, so basically that means, there will be one parent that is always "saved" and one parent that will sacrifice more than they should, while carrying the stress of the truth, to protect the honor of the other parent......in order to not traumatize the children and cause them to hate the good parent?"

This sounded pretty ridiculous to me as well. There are some gray areas here that are not discussed, yet, need to be. First of all, not every divorce ends on respectful terms. Many, now a days, end with surprises and resentment. You would almost think that a couple that knew one another for years, were just club-hopping mistakes that they wanted to forget about. Integrity goes right out the door, in other words. Infidelity, abuse, fraud, abandonment, laziness; all of these culprits murder marriage. While both parents can be equally at fault, sometimes one parent does the damage. It is untrue that problems in a relationship are 50/50. Perhaps in deciding to be together. However, There could be one spouse giving their all to work on the marriage, and the other, not really caring. One could be praying, and the other.....already checked out. In the traditions of our American society, we are pushed into, splitting every cause and effect of marriage, right down the middle and taking on blame that should not be shared.

Returning to my opening statement; the reason why I say that my question about talking about the other parent in front of the kids is a circumstantial situation, is because, every household and every divorce is ran and handled with diverse dynamics. What I mean by that is, if you are a home where you encourage healthy and open communication between you and your children.....conversations are going to be had, because they will feel betrayed if they are not given the chance to understand why things are, the way they are, in their lives and family. These are the type of households where, understanding is necessary to keep the peace, no matter how hard the truth is. Healing and trust is often built upon these conversations, along with compassion and appreciation from the children (older children) for the honesty given. In a more reserved home, peace may be held together, by not opening up that can of worms, without a professional therapist present.......and besides family therapy, solo therapy. Mentioning certain things about the other parent, when not solicited by the child, could be cause for anger, confusion, anxiety, etc. They do not want to hear it in an open setting, at home. They just want their parents to parent, and live like life has not been flipped upside down. In which case, I get it. Although with both types of homes, I would recommend Christian therapy.

In a family that split up over abuse, often times, more discussions than usual, happen. This is due to the fact that, triggers happen more frequently, and sometimes they have to be talked through. Also, a lot of abusive situations, when it comes to co-parenting, still have to navigate child rearing, around narcissism. The kids need understanding on why the other parent behaves in certain ways, why they provoke anger in their own kids, why they mistreat them, embarrass them, pick fights, etc. The older the children become, the more they begin to see for themselves and become more vocal about their feelings towards it, and the more they randomly discuss the experiences that they have had with the other parent, which are engraved in their memory.....having caused trauma. That is what we experience at home. My son still discusses things that have happened in the presence of his father, from last summer and two summers before that, before COVID happened; the berating, name calling, yelling, placing him in self-destructive and harmful situations, so on and so forth. I coach my son on how to handle, dealing with a narcissistic parent, whenever he has to be with that parent. Otherwise if I did not, he would not have the wisdom and knowledge that he has right now; mainly to understand that he has nothing to do with adult dysfunctions and the sheer evil that is birthed from narcissistic abuse. When a child is unaware of the actions and patterns of the narcissistic adult(s) in their lives, this could result in them growing up and having adult issues, from this sort of trauma. It is not about him, but rather, the unhealed and emotionally stunted parent.

When the other parent is not showing up or living up to their responsibilities, teenagers especially, want to know why, in so many words. It is very difficult to cover for a parent not taking care of their child, when you've just paid a stack of bills and you still have to buy new sneakers and clothing for your children. They want new things like their peers. That is only natural. Priorities and necessities come first. When conversations are had, about the other parent (in healthy ways), kids are more understanding than they are given credit for. I will not lie though, it hurts to have to say "No", when you know they should be able to have it.

There are so many more reasons for needing to talk about the other parent to the kids, that I will not even get into it right now. Perhaps this post could use a part 2. The biggest reasons are to cut the confusion and to let kids have a sense of control. I asked my son, if I never told him anything, would that have bothered him. He responded and said: "Yes. It would have made me angry and made me feel like you did not trust me and thought I was stupid, and I couldn't trust you."

Don't get me wrong. There is a layer of guilt that wraps itself around my explanations when I am speaking to my son, because every voice is in the front of my mind, saying to me: "Don't talk badly about the other parent to the kids!" Bad things have happened. No matter how kind I speak, and carefully, it still sounds bad. The truth is not pleasant, but can be told with care, and Letting the kids express their true and raw feelings, no matter what it sounds like. It helps them to heal. It is incredibly hard when, again, narcissism plays the main role, but, I do my best and learn along the way. Then there are times where I have to flat out say to my son: "Your Dad is not safe to talk to right now." Those are the times where I take on the frontline in the battle with his dad, to keep my son emotionally and mentally safe. If I never talked about my son's dad, to him, honestly......he would not understand what I mean when I tell him his dad is not safe to talk to at the moment.

When kids are teens, their questions are more intense and require patience and answers. It use to be, when I would try to explain things as clean as possible, my son would say to me: "Mom, stop trying to take up for my dad. I already know how he is." When He arrived to that point of wisdom, after having had his own experiences with his dad, I could not sugar coat any longer. Through truth and honesty, he has been learning how to respect and love his dad, from a safe and realistic place.

Bashing and discussing are two different things. Every household is different and every child has different needs. However one thing they all need, is love, understanding, and the readiness to listen to them. Alway pray and ask Jesus for direction concerning what you should do.

Perhaps there are better ways. I am still learning. We are still healing.