Step Parent

"The Monsters under the bed, or the Heroes that catch them."

By Raven Nicolé

The greatest blessing that any child can have, is community. To know that there are genuine people there for them, that you trust will love and care for them when you are not there yourself, is a relief. Not every relationship and marriage lasts, sadly...even, thankfully. Often, one or both parents remarry. As biological single parents, we face the stress and worry of another person coming into our children's lives, depending on how we were treated in the marriage we were in, also on how well we know the other person. Even then, many questions come to mind, but mainly those that regard their safety and overall, well-being.

For the bonus parents that took their time, to properly assess the family dynamic before they jumped into it, thank you. Your carefulness and respect save and saved a lot of pain and unnecessary strife. Now, for the "new person" that shows up, and only cares about what they want, how they feel and the honeymoon stage of a relationship, you set a hinderance up for yourselves when you fail to learn and respect the hard parts of why that family home broke up in the first place. You may think it is not your responsibility to understand and to know and move with caution and care, but it is, if you decide to continue dealing with a person that has unresolved issues with the family that they created before you were there. Some may ask:

"Well how am I supposed to know how bad things are?"

How honest is your partner? Before anything, this is your life, and you only have one. Each of us has to care enough about ourselves, to create uncompromising boundaries...what we will and will not deal with. For me, I am not a stepparent....but to me, that position is too serious and sensitive, to NOT be considerate. If something feels off and strange to you about the relationship you are in, then it probably is. You should talk with the other parent as well, if you are able. Some situations, like if abuse was the reason for the divorce, don't always allow for communication between every adult involved . It does not mean there are present difficulties. For myself, it is just better and healthier for my own child, if we don't communicate regularly, unless it is an emergency that involves my son. It is not your responsibility.... until you get romantically involved, then it becomes your responsibility. The whole point of what I am saying is, if you choose to enter into a blended family, make it your absolute goal, to do so peacefully. For your own sake, and the sake of innocent lives involved. Ask questions, serious questions before you get too romantically deep. If they hesitate to answer, or put up a fuss with your questions, walk away.

I've seen how exhausting that picture looks and I hear about it from family and friends that stepparent or have. The kids end up not liking that new person, not building any sort of relationship. When that adult tension is not handled properly, it trickles down to the kids, inevitably and in some capacity. Enough for them to cue in on, how there is another person there, in their innocent minds.... who "does not belong." They are right, in fact.

In my personal experience, the "new person", became the shadow of my ex-husband. From the start, I knew it would be hard to navigate relationships between me, them, and with my child. Coming from a home that was broken from abuse, there was never going to be a friendship or any confiding between myself and his wife. I did not trust her as much as I did not trust him. I did not trust that she could love and protect my son, because I experienced how her husband parented our child. Whatever her husband did, she did. Wherever he went, she went. Moments that were supposed to exclusively be for father and son, she was always there.... never giving personal space. I know, from experience that either he made her stick around, to show off how "good of a father he was", and her brainwashing made her think that her constant presence was her being a supportive and a great wife, and of course, there is the ex-wife factor. She needed to make sure I understood that she was the new woman and would always be around. What about my son? This affected him, to the point he would always come back home and have stories to tell that broke my heart for him and made me furious. He would ask me if I would talk to his father about them just having THEIR time. Of course I would! I spoke with his father and told him that he just wants his time without his wife always being there, and it turned into an entire narcissistic melt down verbal fight, where, apparently, I was jealous of him being married, even jealous of her, etc.

Sure.

My child's valid upsets and hurts did not matter to them, and there was no real stepmom there to respectfully put the other parent in line, because she was not able to. He was not letting her make him feel like he was a child and had no control. Surely her assertiveness would have bruised his ego and made him realize for himself that, he was not a great parent. Let's not forget that, working with MOM, for my son to have a peaceful transition into a blended family, would have been a betrayal to her husband. A challenge or any reasoning, to him, meant disrespect.

After so many mom and son discussions and frustrations, I drew a picture for him (2019), just to make him smile. That situation made him so angry and hurt when he was little. It comes down to the present biological parent, making sure we show up in those aggravating moments that we can't really change, but can help them gracefully work through it, as we learn as well. Our way? Through prayer, conversation, music and art. Oh, and a lot of honest unfiltered venting. Son and I still grapple with things from time to time, concerning this science experiment of a blended family. Not nearly as much now, because he is almost an adult, and can make more of his own choices, but, in every stage of life, whether young or old, our parents are important to many of us, even if they did not prioritize us.

I suppose, a part of my reservations with ever being a stepparent weighs heavily on how that family bus drove, before I got on it. Have the breaks been dismantled and I'm entering onto an oncoming wreck? Have any of the passengers been thrown under the bus, and if so, for what? Who is driving the bus and where is it going? It truly does come down to how honest your significant other is, and if they are totally honest, are you able to make hard choices if you hear something detrimental? The thing to remember, is that the most important people, are the ones that did not ask to be a part of our adult difficulties.

For the stepparent that carried conviction into every facet of being in a relationship with a parent, your moral and genuine respect is what makes your blended family strong. As the bio parents, all we want for our children, is respect and love. They already have enough to deal with. They need to see that, when life does not work out as planned, another plan can be sweet.

For my Son.