"Full🏡House"

(Raising someone else's children.)

This is not really a sensitive topic for me, as much as it may be for single people that have several children. Before I became a single Mom, I assumed I'd have a full house; many children. At least more than one. As I approached the end of my marriage, my idea of family, began to shift. I wanted more children in the future, but my mind was not fully focused on it at that time. My three person home decreased to a two person home.....just my son and I.

Every adventure, every journey even trial....it was just us. I would like to say that we grew up together. Raising my son was and still is my world. After A while of living that life, I couldn't quite see it any other way.

Now that he is older, I no longer feel that way, but I certainly appreciate the freedom of a spacious home. Do not get me wrong. My teenager is my shadow. Where I go in our home, he is there. If Mom is out for a while, running errands, I'm getting phone calls; "When are you coming home." Such is the life of a Mom. I would not trade this in for anything. However, I also love personal space and I've raised my own to appreciate his personal space. It is not just me that is content with not bumping shoulders in our humble abode. At the same time, I love having my son in my space......because really, when you're a parent, "your space" is not truly yours😆.

I often have this conversation with my Mom about being in a marital relationship with a man that has one or no kids. She always says to me: "Well, at your age most likely he will have a couple of kids." I used to get so annoyed when she would say that, until I realized she was not wrong. The number of single dads out there is so vast and such a deep pool. I also know that there are plenty of men my age, though rare, that only have one child or no children. I have gotten to the point in life where my boundaries are higher. I know what I want, what I won't tolerate, what I don't have the energy for. It took a long time to acquire the peace that I have. A relationship with a man that has more than one child already, would have to be God's divine purpose. Although I am open to building a family with someone that has no children. Is that fair of me to want someone with no kids? Of course it is, so as long as he does not mind that I have one. It is also fair for a single man to not want a woman with children or a dad of one to want the same thing I want.

When I met this man from a previous job that I had, I was not thinking about a relationship. He wanted my time so I chose to give him some time. He revealed that he had four kids. FOUR! KIDS! All under the age of 10. Mind you, he was older than me. The first thing I thought about when he said he had four children was: vomit, poop, pee, flu season, constant school programs because they're small, responsibility that I didn't have to deal with, sharing my funds, never sleeping. By his tone, I knew he very much expected a traditional woman, while not being a traditional man. One day I was conversing with him and I told him what I made for dinner for my son and I. He immediately responded and said:

"You can make that for my kids!

I quickly thought.....

"Eeew! They got a Mama!"

I was very much turned off by the fact that, him having me in his life would benefit HIM, as he would expect me to walk in the role of a primary parent towards his small children. I also picked up on his expectation of me pushing my responsibility to my own son to the side, because he is older, to tend more to his young children. Me having him in my life would have never benefitted me nor would have been conducive to my child, and my son and I would have been miserable. I would never place him on the back burner for someone else's kids. This is the main reason why I do not desire to be in a relationship with a man that has several school aged children. Several children period. It is the expectation of one man feeling secure in having, not just one woman, but two, and sometimes more, full time parenting his children.

The sound mind of my child and myself matters. Being careful to not rattle his world with several different personalities under one roof, matters. Silence is a gift. That matters. Simply not having the responsibility, unless I want it. That matters. More over, unless God places it in my heart.

I love a huge extended step-family for others, if it is healthy and that is what they want. Taking care of someone else's children is honorable, so as long as respect and understanding is constantly present. Leaving room for growth is just as important.

Will I ever change my mind? I don't know. I give myself grace and space for it. As for now......I am content. I appreciate the quietness of a home that is not, full.

Raven Nicolé