Life After Domestic Violence

I gave myself a time frame for choosing to leave or stay with my ex husband. I was nearing the end of my 20's and I promised myself, that I was not going to spend the next half of my young adult years, living in turmoil, as I did in my 20's. If change did not happen, I was going to walk away from my marriage. When the time came for me to actually put my choice into action.....I had to choose to leave.

Divorce went against my beliefs at the time. Yet, there I was, separated, 5 states away from him, sitting in the living room of my one bedroom apartment, surrounded with divorce documents, sprawled out all over the floor. One would have thought a paper factory had blown up in my home. There were so many pages that I had to go through. Legal pages. Personal pages. I was completely overwhelmed.

I moved back to Ohio, where my immediate family resides, and I had several; "Now What", moments. My identity was so intertwined with being a wife to someone that did not love me, that, once that identity was gone, I did not know where to begin. I lost my sense of self even more, along with having it verbally battered out of me, and a few times removed with physical force. I had grown dependent on my ex, because that was the intentional control that he had. This is what abuse is. Control. For this reason, I tell people, once a person leaves an abusive relationship, they have to immediately work on their mental, emotional and spiritual health. One can physically leave, yet their minds stay with the abuser. Their minds are so warped by them and the abuse that they endured, that those moments between a time a person makes the RIGHT choice to leave, and being a way, are so critical. More than half of the time a victim of abuse returns to their abuser, it is because of fear of change, the unknown, not being use to someone not controlling them. Being controlled becomes an unhealthy comfort. A victim of abuse is conditioned to the abuse, and that becomes normal. An abuser makes it a point to make sure that the abused believe, that without them, they will not be able to make it. This is where financial abuse comes in; withholding funds from the victim so that they cannot take care of themselves, and isolation from loved ones, friends, society as a whole, so that they cannot reach out for help or have anywhere to go. Many Domestic abuse victims are not even able to have employment. I can attest. Their dependency stays with the abuser. It is all insidiously calculated.

For this reason, once a person leaves abuse, they must be prepared to leave, EVERYTHING. Life after abuse is often lonely......so you need community. Sometimes you may experience guilt. Especially if children were involved. Not because you left a toxic environment, but, your hope is to give your children safety, love and peace. For many, within a two parent home. It is heartbreaking when that is taken from them for a season or more. You will experience a lot of alone time. In that time, you have to choose to either cope in healthy ways or unhealthy ways. The temptation for an easy and temporal fix, is heavy. For this reason, you need a strong support system, and it does not always come from family, and that is okay. I did all of my drinking, at the end of my marriage where the abuse became more intense, and shortly after leaving, to deal with all of the new trauma that I was about to embark upon.......starting life from scratch again, in my 30's.

The hardest, yet necessary part of leaving an abusive relationship of any sort, is letting go of whatever life you had with that person: Job, community, extended family, friendships, personal belongings, even. The friendship part is due to the fact that, you cannot be personally connected to anyone that is biased in such a volatile situation. Especially for people whose lives are in danger. Believe it or not....you need people to defend you during this time, and 100% take your side. It is validating, you are given the chance to be heard, and you are able to heal. It is such a conflict of interest, and no one needs to keep tabs on anyone, through "friends". You become a blank canvas.

You have to be willing to give up everything you knew, in order to get your freedom back.

Re-building takes time. It takes more of you having patience, forgiveness and grace for yourself, more than it does, outsiders having patience, forgiveness and grace for you. Victims of abuse are often so hard on themselves, over, where abuse positions them in life, once they have made the brave choice to leave. With the abuser, you may have had a vehicle, income, a home, but upon leaving, all of that can be gone. People MUST understand .....that is okay. You can get those *things back. However, you cannot get your life back. You cannot re-do your childrens childhood. The choice to leave may be hard......it may even feel impossible, but you can do it. Things DO change and get better. You get healthier, you get your confidence back, you learn to love again......yourself and others. It *does take time. It will feel like you take several steps back, than you do forward, but that is all a part of the healing journey. Healing is not linear. You eventually start feeling the ground beneath you, become more stable over time. Just know, life after abuse, is LIFE. A healthy built structure takes consistency and time. Take it easy on yourself. Forgive yourself. Loving someone unconditionally was never the problem. You were never the problem, the blame or the cause for their abuse.

Above all things, remember this:

(Jeremiah 29:11)

"For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.💜🦋

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service Learn more

(800-799-7233)

Raven Nicolé