Teaching Kids About Narcissism

Every Summer my Son has to go to his Dad's for 2 months. It is always a grueling process to start, at first. He gets so comfortable being at home in his comforts and safety, that the idea of leaving and going into a completely different atmosphere and environment, feels like a prison sentence to him. There are so many mixed emotions that go into the process of preparing my Son to leave, that we both become overwhelmed and worn out before his actual departure.

Though he sometimes desires to see and spend time with his Father, realities of sorts, set in. Dad will not simply do the things his son loves, nor spend a lot of time truly getting to know this young man that he took part in creating. Jeh is very intelligent and discerning. He questions everything, and corrects entirely off, information. His Dad is not use to that and sees it as him using his "rebellious" youthful mind to undermine him as a grown man and the father. In his dads mind, no parent must earn respect. We automatically deserve it no matter how we disrespect and mistreat our children.

Of course that final statement is not true. I believe in what the Bible says. In all situations, there is a loving, respectful....and above all, a Holy exchange between parent and child. In fact, Jesus Himself, holds children with very high regard and respect. He explains that except we be converted and become like little children, we shall not enter into the kingdom of Heaven (Matthew 18:3).

Jesus expresses to us how He respects the innocence and faith of children, and how it is so important, that we must be like them, not the other way around. He also warns of our offenses against children:

(Mark 9:42) "And whosever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea." For those whom may not understand what Jesus means; He is saying, it is better if a person were DEAD than to offend one of these little ones that believe in Him. I respect His detailing of the type of death.

Why is teaching kids about narcissism so important? In my very own opinion, it is important for any human to understand the depth and toll that narcissism has on the psyche before it can have a personal lasting affect. The earlier people know about this evil, the better they can guard their hearts and spirits. Many of us have come into contact with narcissism as children, but did not know what it was. We just found our hearts racing, and our thoughts confused, and our self-esteem diminished in the presence of these individuals. Often, family members. Mostly adults. We trusted narcissists, so we believed in their behavior; as warped as it was. It became a norm to us as little ones. As we became adults, we find ourselves in the midst of an existential crisis, relationship failures, addicts of many things...and wondering how we got there. Until one day, a little person grabs us by our adult and emotionally out of control hand, and points to past hurts. That little person? Our inner child. What are they pointing to? Scenes from childhood that shows where our breakdowns began. This is the point where we realize our dysfunctions started as children and the lack of knowledge that we had.

My Son has a narcissistic father. To say it has been heartbreaking to see him describe some of the terrors that he has personally faced with his father while in his "co-parenting" care, the SAME terrors that sent me running to the court house to sign divorce papers...would be a complete understatement. The moment that I knew, I would not be able to just shake my ex-husband out of our lives, like a bug, I had to armor up and pray and plan on how to prepare my son at every stage of his life, on how to deal with a narcissistic parent without coming out of it completely damaged; certainly not losing himself in the very process, like so many sadly do.

How do we teach a child how to have respect and yet, defend themselves when in the presence of a narcissistic parent? I have not quite figured out every answer for that one yet, as I am still raising a child, touching his teens but not quite there......still, having a mind of his own, and understanding the difference between right and wrong treatment. The only answer that I can give, that has had positive affects in our lives; is raise your children in God's word. Help them to understand that they have a special and unique identity in Christ, that no human, nor devil in hell, can take away from them. Once this truth is engraved in their spirits; anything contrary to it will be seen as evil and wrong in their eyes. Teach them that behavior that makes them feel less of a human and hopeless is not Christ like. Express to them the importance of questioning everything. Focusing on building strong and prepared kids, is the main goal. It is also important that kids are taught personal boundaries: physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. In regards to spiritually; another reason why it is vital for them to know scripture and to be taught biblical truths, is because, like my child, they may have adults in their lives that abuse and hide behind the guise of Christianity (spiritual abuse). Narcissistic people that manipulate using scripture.....twist the scriptures for their benefit, and use it to spiritually bind and control their victims.

When God is at the center of teaching kids about narcissism...this does not mean they will not experience the pain of this particular abuse, especially if it is coming from a parent. They will. It does however, mean they will not be destroyed by it.

One last piece of advice and encouragement: Pray over your children. Pray with them. Pray for them. Continually and fervently. Narcissism is a sneaky and horrific evil that violates every aspect of our human experience; from our development, our thinking, sexuality, spirituality, reality, and our safety in places where safety should be provided for us, freely. Give ample amount of space for your children to vent, debrief and release pains, hate, anger, anxieties and frustrations that they will have after spending time in the presence of a narcissistic parent or individuals. When they release, YOU give it to God while explaining to them the importance of giving all of that stress to God. None of us can carry the weight of narcissism on our shoulders. Narcissists, can't even...which is why they project, deflect and discard.

Raven