The Era of Silence

Have you ever dumbed yourself down, to make a man or woman feel puffed up in their chest; like you were the student and they were teaching you the secrets of life that you never knew nor heard of before, but were in awe of? Stroking their egos? While fulfilling your own selfish and broken need to be wanted for that reason? I hope most answer, no, but, I have.

I can remember there being a time where, I felt guilty for being intelligent. I thought I was only wanted by broken men. I felt like I had to take a few steps back and let them have the spotlight. I did just that. Quite often, they needed that magnification emotionally.

Whenever my voice would rise up: either I became too much or I became too loud and needed to be knocked back into my subservient soft powder pink place.

Stay there! Be a challenge for me, only until you stir up my demons.

My boat of silence floated on waves of resentment. The waves would come and go.....until they just kept coming. A part of me always knew that I was carrying myself. Even going into a situation; a false relationship; I knew where a man's emotions were not handled, there was no way he would be able to support me through my own hurts. (For this reason as well, healing is important). People cannot fix us. My issues were very present.

Before connecting and attaching to people, healing is necessary. Self-awareness is pointless, if we do nothing with the personal accountability that self-awareness exposes in all of us.

I saw in myself someone I did not like; willing to compromise my standards and not aim higher for more solid and strong connections. I wanted to feel important to someone immediately, rather than taking my time. This is how toxic relationships are formed: through quick closeness and connection. Too quick. I crashed and learned.

I forgot how strong I was. In fact, I never knew that I embodied the strength that I did until I walked in it and utilized it. I was not weak. I had a big voice and a big mind. At that moment my season changed, the era of silence for me, ended.

Raven