Why toxic men use women's wounds, to control them.

Toxic men will use a woman's dad wounds against her. He will use the trauma that she experienced as a child, not having had a dad around, or having been mistreated by her dad; as a way to dominate her and take control.....especially if he feels slighted. A little girl looks up to the love and approval of her father, and until that part of her is healed, it causes a lot of damage. An unhealed woman will look for a father type in her relationships, and men know this. The bruising to his ego, does not even have to come from her, but he will take his anger out on her...even creating an issue so that she can get mad and fight back. His anger transpires into her becoming the root cause for his obnoxiousness and abuse...whether covert or overt.

One of the things that I would hear from my ex-husband, when it came down to his insecurities as a dad and when speaking about not moving back into his parents home or not moving close to his family, because they enabled him, would be:

"My Dad is getting older! I want to move closer to spend more time with him! I don't expect you to understand because you never had a dad."

Or, whenever the topic of paying child support came up, he would try to deflect and talk about how I only cared about his money, not him spending time with his son. He would top off that argument by stating:

"You never had a dad, so you wouldn't care!"

In the case of child-support, he did not pay consistently and did not care that it took more than empty promises and saying, "I love you bro", but money as well, to raise children. His location has been states away, so he was never physically there for him anyhow, spending time with him. All adult choices that he made. The conversation with living with his parents again.......terrified me. My experiences there, had been like, living in a manufacturing company for narcissists. You had your flying monkeys', you had your enablers, you had you silent treatment, your fighting, being singled out, being ignored, the occasional racism, the spouse renaming me the "N" word, being talked about in another language......all of those razor blade filled treats, that you'd find living in the family home of the Narcissist. There was never less than 2 separate families under one roof. This meant, almost every bedroom occupied 1 man and 1 woman (including children) that wanted to be queen and king of a home that was not their own. There was no privacy. I did not want to live like that. Culturally, I was not use to it...but even if I was, in America, that is not a heathy living situation for every married couple, especially when there are kids involved. Obviously my reservations had nothing to do with me "never" having a dad.

Even though I knew this to be true, his words dug into my soul and shattered my nervous system, to the point that it made me quiet. Not due to submission, as he saw it, but due to shock. He grabbed hold of wounds that I shared with him in confidence at one time, and used my vulnerabilities to gain control over me, when he felt like he was losing control. It worked! Whether or not I was in shock, to him, it did not matter. I was not "talking back." There was nothing that hurt me more, than being reminded that I had no dad....but worst, he would throw it back in my face about how I was conceived; reminding me at the time, that I was not planned or wanted. I know better now. God always had plan and blessings for my Mother and I.

That is the type of evil low, toxic men will go to try to break women that they hate. It never stopped there. My character as a wife, a mother and woman of God, was always torn down. Those title defined me at the time, and often felt like I had failed. "If my own husband saw the worst in me, in the only positions that I had.....who would see the good in me?" I thought.

Before I gave up and fled my marriage, I use to exhaust myself trying to prove to him that I was good enough. I tried utilizing wifely wisdom on an unwise husband. It never worked. That often got me on bad terms with him and his family, especially his mother. They assumed that I was putting down their men, which I was not, and that I thought that I was better.....which I absolutely was. I was better than the treatment that I got. I deserved much better. When these sort of men, use their position to try to destroy women, understanding that we are the weaker vessel, according to the scripture, there is always some sort of unresolved trauma in their own lives; from family and personal choices. Just like, women have responsibilities in our position as women, men have theirs. God created us with equal importance, but with different roles.

The need that toxic men have, to control others especially wounded women, stems from a place of not being seen, heard, and treated with respect, as younger and older men, even through past broken relationships of their own. Many of them have been hurt. Many of them have been abused.....and depending on culture, don't even realize it. They grow up with someone else's ideas about them, already rooted in their spirits. They searched for validation to their own vulnerabilities, and did not get it. Then THEY get into relationships with their own mom, dad, uncle, aunty, cousin and sibling wounds. Their whole family becomes the ones they want to prove themselves to, instead of putting that energy into their own households. It becomes a point of their frustrations and those frustrations turn into abuse towards their wives, girlfriends and abuse and/or neglect of their children. They forever live trying to prove themselves, while time continues to pass them by.

Even when others have hurt us, it is our responsibility as adults, to be accountable for our own healing and where we add on to our pain. Likewise, as women, we must place our hearts in God's hands so that He will guard and protect them. There are so many broken men out there whom are initially nice and charming, and will tell you what you want to hear, treat you how you want to be treated, and as time passes, you see the other side of them.....their true selves. Men nor Women are hospitals for broken people. Neither are we physical, emotional or verbal punching bags. We are to care for one another, but not carry lifetimes of pain for people, when we ALL have the privilege of calling on the name of the Lord for help.

Raven